Yay on being 25, I guess?

It happened. It actually happened. The day I was afraid of for quite some time was my birthday in January 2015. You are probably asking yourselves right now, why on earth was she afraid of her birthday? Well, let me explain.

Turning 25 years is a big deal, when you are still in college. At lot of changes will happen by turning that specific age. In the country I come from, parents and children get child benefit from the state. First, you get that until your child is 18 years old. Then, you have to prove to the state that your kid is still in school, college, or training for a job in order to still get paid child benefit. Nevertheless, once you turn 25 child, benefit stops. And it does not matter if you are still in college or in job training. Furthermore, until the age of 25 and if you are still in school, college, or job training, the child or young adult is still insured with the parents. Hence, after turning 25, one has to insure oneself. Overall, when turning 25, child benefit is done and you have to insure yourself. As you see, turning 25 is pretty expensive. And I have never used that number so many times before.

Anyway, there is a lot of happening and a lot of changes, especially when it comes to money. For the past few months, I have been searching for the cheapest health insurance. Most of the insurance companies have a special student installment. Hence, it is a lot cheaper that regular installments. But still, it is a lot of money for a student with an only 400€ income every month.

Aside from the financial side of turning 25, the number itself kind of scared the hell out of me. One is actually closer to the big 3 0 than before. And what did I do so far? I graduated school. I got a Bachelor Degree. I am currently enrolled in a Master Degree program, from which I hopefully will graduate 2016. But I have not really done anything. I never had a job that paid more than 400€ every month. I still live at home. And what the hell am I going to do after I graduate with a Master Degree? Is there somebody out there who will hire me? Besides from these obvious points, some 25 year old people are already married with at least one kid. My biological clock is not slowing down. THESE were my concerns and anxieties of this huge birthday. For some people turning 25 is no big deal. It is like every other birthday. But for me it was a big deal.

Almost a month has passed now, and I kind of accepted the fact that I am 25 years old now. And I can proudly say that I am comfortable with that number. Sure, there are the financial changes, but people who know me know that I had them on my radar for quite a while and that I calculated them into my monthly expenses. And for my anxieties, I accepted them, too. And I came to the conclusion, that I already achieved many things. And I should be proud of them, which I am. Being 25 is not as bad as it sounds, I am still young and I still have many, many years ahead of me. I will find my way somehow. I guess, sometimes one has some freak-outs, especially when one reaches a birthday milestone. For me, it was turning 25.

What I learned through all of this, is that you are never too old to do or achieve anything. Being 25 is not as bad as it sounds sometimes. It actually feels good. Celebrating my birthday with my family and later with my friends helped a lot to be okay with that number. And it is no big deal anymore. 

Panic attacks - everybody has them, right?

It is that time of the semester again, I had a panic attack. I, normally, tend to have them in the middle of the day when I start to realize how much I still have to do and how little time I have left. Normally. This time I had it at 5am on a Saturday morning. I only woke up because I needed to use the bathroom real quick. So a sleepy me stumbled into the bathroom with my eyes closed because I still was very tired and did not want to wake up completely. However, I did not think about having a panic attack at 5am on a Saturday morning. By the time, I stumbled back into my nice warm and cozy bed, threw my cover over me and turned onto my left side (I only fall asleep on the left side, I know I am weird), I was wide awake. Like really and completely wide awake. And then it came. Completely unannounced. Now, I guess you are wondering why I was having a panic attack. Well, before I go into detail, I have to explain a few things first. I am almost done with college. I only have one more semester to go until I have gathered all of my essential credit points in order to start writing my master thesis and then graduate. Nevertheless, I still have to and also want to do an internship. For the past few months, I have applied literally everywhere. I want to find an internship abroad. Preferably, in the USA.

Back to my panic attack. There I was laying in my bed at 5am, wide awake and starting to think. Not a good sign. 1000 what-if-questions and other questions suddenly popped into my head. What if I will not find an internship? What will I do then? What if I do find one? Will it be the one I really want? Will the people like me? Will I be able to do my work good? What if I find one in the USA? Where will I live? When I will find a place, how will I pay rent? I do not have a bank account in the US. I have to find a place with furniture. What if I only find one without furniture? How will I get at least a mattress to sleep on? What if it is the only chance to get to work by car? How will I do that? Will there be a public transportation system? How much will it all costs? Am I able to pay for all of it? I only have a limited budget. ß Those questions were only concerned with the internship. Many more about other issues also popped into my head. How will I be able to hand in all my term papers in time? How will I be able to understand the stupid short story I have a presentation about? I still have to pay my tuition for next semester. Time is running way to fast; I have so much to do. And so on. While I was asking myself all those question, I started feeling hot and then cold again. After like an hour, I somehow fell back asleep again. When I woke up later, I had to laugh and asked myself, if I really had a panic attack at 5 am on a Saturday morning. Well, apparently I had one, because I found a piece of paper on which I scribbled some notes in the middle of the night.

The conclusion of my panic attack was that I could not do anything on a Saturday. Especially for my internship. I first have to find one and then start thinking and planning all the other things. (FYI, I am planner, I never leave the house, let alone leave the country, without having a plan and pretty much everything worked out.) As of my term papers and presentation, I calmed myself down, that it will work out just fine. I have always managed it somehow.

Most of the time, I ask myself why do I have such attacks so unexpectedly. I mean, I know that I have to figure out all of these questions at some point. But why do they all have to pop into my head at the same time? And so sudden? I

Well, people, that was my story about my little freak-out. I always tell myself, I am not the only one who has them. Everyone has them from time to time.